It's been a year and four months since my last relationship. I am okay alone; I am fine single. But this time of year I am wishing I had someone around. I wish there's one man I can go to the movies with, hang out with, tell stories with, and simply call my boyfriend. There are men hanging around my life now. But I am not in love with any of them. I am not in love with anybody. How am I supposed to have a new boyfriend? I am traditional; I do not get into relationships with men I do not love. I like one, but not as much. I was wondering if it was enough that I LIKE someone to commit to him. Is liking someone enough foundation to enter a relationship? Will liking transform into loving? Should I take my chance?

It's not like I'm desperate to have a new boyfriend, I just miss having one.  

It's been a year and four months since he broke it off with me. He said he was not happy with me anymore and he no longer saw me in his future. I was devastated, but I tried to move on. And i did, but it wasn't that easy to let go. I admit that there are times that I still think about him and wonder why it just couldn't be us until the end of our lifetimes. I question God every now and then, but He just keeps telling me that it just couldn't be us (my ex and I) anymore. I still cry myself to sleep everytime I miss him; everytime I miss us.

It's funny that he told me he couldn't see me in his future anymore, but he keeps dragging me back in. The future he was talking about is now. THAT future is now. It was a night before his birthday when he asked me if I could join him celebrate his day. I agreed only because it was his birthday. We ate dinner on his birthday, July 23rd and watched a movie the next day. We still acted like a couple.We held hands, hugged and kissed each other goodbye. Nobody who saw us would not believe we are a couple, but then again we are not. We are a used-to-be already. It just sucks that I still felt my heart skipped a beat the moment he held my hand. I know for a fact already that it can no longer be the same as before. I even asked God to send him a girlfriend, did I not? My friends tell me to just refrain from hanging out with him because I will only cause myself more pain. I believe them when they say that, but then again, I just can't help it. I could have hated him with the things he told me, but I did not. I still allow him to hang around my life even if it's over between us and I'm still trying to let go. As for him, he still drags me back in his life even if he told me I was not going to be in there anymore. There are times I come to thinking that he's just using me because no one else is around. He asks me to the movies just because there are no other options. 

I believe I sincerely asked God to send him a girlfriend. If it couldn't be me that he's going to be happy with, at least there should be another person who can make him happy. I wasn't being a hypocrite. Even if there's still a flicker of hope that is telling me there is still a chance to get back together with him, I do not want to hold on to it. I waited for his return, but he never came back. I've grown tired of waiting. Yes, I love him still and I am afraid that I will never be able to kill the love I have for him. But with the situation we are in, this love is not enough reason to make it work. We both have moved on with our lives and we're better off where we are now. Maybe I have not let go, he is my first love. Maybe I won't be able to let go. Maybe I wouldn't have to let go, I would just have to move on with my life - cause maybe there's no letting go, just moving on.

I asked God to send him a girlfriend. It was the toughest thing to do. It was the most painful birthday wish I ever gave someone. And yet, it was the best thing I can wish for him. I love him enough to wish for his happiness, even if his happiness does not include me. :)